Entry #323

Mike And Ron - The Craziest Bastards That Ever Lived

2012-08-08 00:51:04 by nietzlawe


"Get in the Car!"

"Hey Mike, you old arsewipe! What brings you to my neck of the woods?"

"'my new car Ron, quick, get in."

"No worries, what's the rush?"

"I'm being followed Ron. Monarch saw us last night."

"Saw who? What are you talking about?"

"No time to explain, we need to head deep and go to ground."

"What have you gotten yourself into Mike?"

"Calm down, here, listen to this, a bit of Glenn Frey will do you good."


*The Heat Is On*

"Mike, turn it down you bastard!!"

*And the beat's so loud*

"Michael!! Slow the fucking car down!"

"Too late Ronald, you're in this as deep as me now."

"What have y... swerve! A deer!!"

"Oh shit! That was a close shave. Good call Ron."

"Do you have a fucking brain cell in your head Mike."

"Just the one Ronald, you know that."

"You'll get us both killed one day you clumsy loon!"

"I don't think that day will come Ron. We're bullet proof you and me. We've experienced worse than this. That time we got held hostage in Siberia?"

"Yeah... The time we went drinking in that Irish bar - Crazy Shenanigans."

"Haha yesss! That was a close shave too wasn't it?"

"We got walloped over and over around the head with baseball bats. You can't get much closer than that."

"Great days though... great days."

"Very memorable. Particularly if you're a masochist or psychopathic."

"Fortunately we're both... Right?"

"We, Michael Holden, are nothing but gluttons for punishment. Since the day we met, on a wet Wednesday in Worcester, you have brought me nothing but... *pauses* rigmarole."

"I know Ron, but it's 'good' rigmarole. To face your worst fears every single day and defy the odds. I mean, what were the chances of us surviving that mountain fall we had?"

"Again, that was your fault, persuading me to climb up there."

"But we survived Ron. We survived. How many people can say they have endured a 200 foot plunge onto jagged rocks and lived to tell the tale?"

"How many people climb 200 foot mountains Mike."

"People risk their lives every single day... We just happen to do it more than others."

"Much more than others Mike. A life is just once. One bad bang in the heart and it's all over."

"You worry too much Ronald. Worrying all the time can be more dangerous than the things we have done. It's alright though, I've already planned our next adventure. We just need to make a little detour first."

"What plan? Detour? Where are you taking us?"

"Restricted Area? No Trespassing Beyond This Point? Photography Is Prohibited? Warning? Any ideas yet?"

"Nope, is it pole vaulting over electric fences again Mike?"

"Incorrect Ronald. Guess again."

"I've no idea Mike. Tell me, enlighten me with your great new plan."

"Area 51 Ronald. We are going to hire a two-man buggy, then we're going to drive right past the border and just keep on going until we get to Groom Lake. Fuck the choppers Ron, fuck em to hell."

"Mike we've no chance!!"

*Ron speeds up the car while laughing maniacally*



"I don't feel so good Mike."

"Here, take one of these."

"What are they?"

"Amphetamine capsules. You're going to need the energy and motivation for what we are about to do. These will have you doing jumping jacks."

"Are they safe?"

"Worst case scenario, dry mouth and headache. But really, that's nothing, the worst case scenario is that we get shot down by the choppers."

"Why do I have a bad feeling about this one?"

"Because our last fifty five missions went wrong?"

*Brief pause...*

"Yeah! That's right! Nail on the head!"

"Don't get yourself in a panic Ron, that sign is only there to scare people. It's not real, it's a psychological tactic to intimidate people. It's also a sociological experiment to see if people obey authority and show fear to danger."

"I hope you are right Mike, I'll never be able to forgive you if this fucking thing goes tits up."

"Tits up?"

"It's slang, it means everything could go disastrously wrong."

"Calm down my good Britty friend."

" I am calm. Caaalmming to the realisation that I'm scared Mike. Very fucking frightened. This can't end anything but badly."

"Trust me Ron, have I ever let you down?"

"Only on thirty-one separate occasions."

"Ahh... Water under the bridge mate... water under the bridge."

"You don't need to apologise Mike."

"No I mean look out in front of us! No fucking bridge Ron! We're going in the water!!"

"Fuck, this is the last time I trust you!!"

"Ha, how many times you said that boy?"


You must be logged in to comment on this post.


2012-08-08 09:43:07

This reminds me of two people I know. But only because they're named Mike and Ron.

nietzlawe responds:

Did you ever see them jumping off tall skyscrapers without using parachutes? Did you ever see them swimming with crocodiles? Or trying that poisonous Japanese fish?

Mike and Ron are legends in their own right...

But not in everybody else's right.


2012-08-09 13:03:37

Ron thinks Mike's brain is but a micron in size while Mike tries to convince Ron that he's sane.

nietzlawe responds:

I'm convinced that Mike and Ron will con Vince (their psychiatrist) soon into believing both of them about their respective problems.


2012-08-15 12:43:18

Vince is too sharp to fall for any silly lies... unless Mike and Ron push him off a cliff, after which time he'll be lying face-down in a ravine, which would be rather mean.

nietzlawe responds:

But even so, I'm not really convinced that Vince is dead. Maybe he's just sleepin' with the fishes.

What next? Conga with the sharks.

Mike and Ron got away scot free, but Scott, he got burned by the duo like hot pee.

But who is Scott? And is he related to Great Scott? On second thoughts.. maybe he's not.

Mike and Ron definitely got away though to plot their next adventure, escaping from a North Korean Gulag by posing as two decomposing bodies to con Vince who at that moment in time had been hired as Kim Jong-un for teh lulz.

Talking of Kim Jong-un, he was born in 1983, the same year as me. There were North Korean citizens who had been on this Earth for many years while Kim Jong-un was still a swimming sperm.

The moral of this story. Your life in the future could be made a misery by a sperm that is swimming around a testicle right now as we speak.


2012-08-16 11:43:02

You asked for it!

nietzlawe responds:

I asked for Askeys Ice Cream? Or was that Askey's Ass Cream, which needs to be applied in multiple doses from the end of a Jessica Ennis, Penis.

Of course, I know what you mean really. The Long-Awaited Cover Version Blog, which was await off my shoulders when you finally made it.


2012-08-18 13:15:48

What about all the eggs lying dormant in ovaries? They could be just as responsible for producing the next tyrannical dictator as the swimming sperms are.

nietzlawe responds:

Sperms and Eggs, make arms and legs, and the next.. thing you know, Hitler and Co are running the craziest damn Tyrannysaurical Rex, that ultimately wrecks lives.


2012-08-22 16:53:44

Nietzlawe doesn't want what's expected. He doesn't want what's respected.

nietzlawe responds:

Nietzlawe does what Nietzlawe do.


2012-08-24 10:52:13

I expect Nietzlawe to respect the fact that he's going to end up being pecked on the neck by a flock of birds if he doesn't return soon.

nietzlawe responds:

I'm prepared for my pecking at the beaks of those flocks of birds, after all, I have been pecked by Peter Piper, and I have my 'I'm A Peter Piper Peck Survivor' badge to prove it.

Well I would have, but that badge got pecked off during the conflict.


2012-08-24 10:57:21

And some of those birds will be woodpeckers, so I hope he's wearing a jockstrap.

nietzlawe responds:

Woodpeckers inventing their own jockst rap while pecking my jockstrap.

I never knew they liked rap music so much, they should be called Hoodpeckers.


2012-08-27 14:36:02

I miss wuzzles.

nietzlawe responds:

I miss being muzzled, tied and having to struggle to get free of those restraints, during the BDSM session that left me feeling puzzled as fuck when I left in nothing more than a puddle of my own geni-paste.


2012-08-29 18:10:50

I'm glad you've recovered from your concussion. Now we can get back to cussin' at our Con Cushions and pushin' the boundaries of what we can do.

(Updated ) nietzlawe responds:

Those boundaries are really hard to push over, they are no pushovers, but they might be bouncers who wear pullovers and pull no punches... Except for the ones they land on our faces, hard, causing some real concussion-based trauma to occur, then the only thing we will be pushin', are the hospital ward bells.

But Nietzsche once said, 'what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.' But in this case it didn't, it made us significantly weaker and totally reliant on hospital nurses who mistreat us secretly, when the cameras are switched off.

Then they mistweet about how they have been treating us, on Twitter. Miss Tweetment.