THE COLD KNIGHT
Was Gulliver Gullible? Long silence. Anyways, moving Swiftly on, without further delay, I bring you to the story that is going to be told tonight. The foundations have been laid and now it is time to build the house, without the CodHamn experience to pull off such a feat. The wind is too strong tonight, its swept me off my feet and not in a lovely way, but in a truly terrifying end-of-your-life type way, where the breeze is right up in your face and you can't get a gulp of breath before the wind pounds away at you, physically flying you through the cold air on this dark night. Its abysmal, the roads are six feet deep in snow and its started thundering and I've been rammed head first into an Elm Tree and I was able to see inside that tree a Woodpecker Family watching Friends on the E4 channel. Those sly bastards, they get free television and we never knew, until now. But I'm not a squealer, so they can keep on watching free television for all I care and turn into Tree Potatoes with square eyes.
Once I freed myself, I could see the dark strange weather, the sound of orange orbs floating in the sky making that strange crackly modem sound, maybe I just had ear damage. Here I was, free from the tree that had embedded me and turned me into an embodiment of IT, I became a living Treeman...... Nah, I never, I'm just joking, but I did then try to kick a pile of snow and my left Nike trainer evaporated in front of my eyes and my bare sock kicked a piece of snow with a rock in the middle, it was weird, the snow was falling thick and fast, it was effectively a blizzard, nobody could really see anything at all, some people tried to collect from the Blind Charities at this point. It was so freezing cold, I ran into a bus shelter to escape from the hell of the snow, then a bolt of lightning struck the roof, which then collapsed on me, the rock I'd kicked earlier had turned into a kangaroo and was fucking getting frostbite. I put a ballpoint pen into its front pocket, or was it pouch? I can never remember. I shouted, "whatever the weather I love you whatever!" in the hope that it would stop snowing, it didn't, it started snowing harder to the point where living people were turning into Abominable Snowmans, people walking out of the Gyms were turning into Abdominal Snowmen for some strange reason...... Something was not quite right on this Night-of-Shite, even Snow White turned up with Suge Knight, famous Ex-Death-Row-Records mogul... What was going on?
Meanwhile, myself, Nietz to the Lawe, I was suffering the maximum damage, my socks had disintegrated and I was knee deep in slush, wading my way through the torturous trek without waders, I saw two Jehovahs Witnesses that had Witnessed a murder, they kept Schtum, in a years time they were going to terrorise the murderer with blood scrawls that said "We Know What You Did Last Blizzard"... I saw two old ladies that had just come out of the bingo hall and they had won............ Fuck all! Losers! The two pensioners were eating Granny Smiths apples, they had just kicked a 206 year old veteran vetarinarian in the Big Blobby BallSacs... What a weird night, next I saw two drug addicts swan dive off the top of a building and splat on the floor, four judges wearing Fur coats held up score cards of 10 10 10 10... A perfect landing, the judges were experts in death, seeing as the jumpers had died, the judges had no criticism... This was too much to bear, that was until I saw the bear, it had made a sixteen hour flight from the North Pole with a suitcase in its hand, it looked jetlagged to me and shouted out, "Hey you there! Wanna see my South Pole"... Disgusting, truly, this was a night where I saw Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson playing Golf in the middle of the road on snow, using golf clubs made from Thatch Hay... Seriously... Fuck, Phil slugged the ball through a car window which instantly killed the driver, the shock of his death caused his family to die too... From serious internal injuries... It was a cold eerie night, the snow was thick and overpowering like a Sumo Wrestler, the snow was like salt in the face too... The moon was out in full, which in turn brought out the Werewolves, not the animal... A music tribute band that liked to perform naked in really below freezing temperatures, the first song they performed was called Brrr Its Cold, and then they sung Put Ya Coat On, they eventually finished with their classic hit, I've Now Developed Frostbite in 99% of My Body.... Just when I thought nothing else could happen, 65 things did.
A woman was pregnant and giving birth, some guy was shovelling snow up her minge to numb the area and make it less painful somehow, his insane logic was exactly that, Insane.... But tonight, people had left their sanity at home, usually in the form of a drug that could control such an uncontrollable condition... I hadn't seen anything like it, a sewer lid shot open and started spraying human turds and piss everywhere... Some guy stuck a carrot to his nose and proposed to his girlfriend while they were both neck deep in snow, his final words were "Will you marryymmph..." And then they were both long gone, they were recipients of Suffocation... It was a terrible tragedy and we had the funeral immediately, some guy stood on the street corner with a miniature jukebox, he asked us what song they wanted at their funeral and we said, Hello Muddah Hello Faddah...
This was not a night for the faint-hearted, which was ironic as a woman did faint, it had gotten too cold for her and she passed out just in front of a ribbon tape, if she'd have made it through, she'd have lived, but now we're livid she's dead... On my journey I saw a man who called himself Stickman91, because that was the number of walking sticks he needed to keep himself upright... He said, "I've never known anything like it! Didn't know snow could show its true colours..." He wanted to continue speaking, but he was blindsided from the side by a blind man... By accident, his eyebrows started to fall off, I said, "Man you look scary without eyebrows!" And he just laughed off the joke, which was great, makes him a great sport......
The bus shelters had shattered, traffic was now piled up, there were a lot of people and noise everywhere, but nobody could really see anything because the snow flakes were huge and getting one in the eye was rather painful, you could feel the snow melt on your pupil and become a permanent fixture of your essence, whatever that was... I saw a man called Keven11Twenty7, he had a frigging sailboat! He was sailing up the Road, fucking crazy! I shouted to him, "Hey help me please, we need you to take us with you, wherever you're going!" Keven stopped and picked up myself and Stickman91, who had just been sick man, and I lost my footing and slipped in his slick sick... This was an awful night to be a human in the Unknown Town.... We jumped on Keven's sailboat and travelled 6,000 miles to an uninhabited house of dead people... Well they are dead, you can't inhabit the place if you're dead! Surely! Well we sorted out that stupid little crisis and the three of us made a nice little haven there, we survived for many years, just the three of us, in that tiny Seventeen Bedroom Apartment with a beautiful view of the Dart Marina... And we lived ever happily after.
Disclaimer - *May not have actually happened.
Disclaimer 2 The Sequel - "Untick this "Already" ticked box if you do not wish to receive promotional offers from crazy companies.
Disclaimer 3 The Trilogy - *Nobody reads the small print. On behalf of our companies, you are all motherfuckers and we like to screw with the minds of the general public to sell our shoddy shit.
The Ende of Ye Storye.