THE PREMONITION STORY
This story is about my long and strenuous journey in the Scottish Highlands, (which has not even happened yet, and may never happen), thus making it a premonition. All the events you are about to read are fiction only, this story may (I say may meaning it definitely will) contain explicit language and pure hilarity.
So there we were, hiking through the Scottish Highlands without hiking boots, the days were becoming much colder now. The altitude was unbearable, it made being lost even more agonising. We had a compass, but none of us knew how to use it, we didn't know our arse from our elbow.
'Remember man, some people say if you are lost, follow the sun.'
'But there is no fucking sun. What do you propose we do? Follow the fog, that will really help us out of this hellhole.'
'So what does N, E, S, W mean on this compass?'
'It translates as 'Never Eat Shredded Wheat', I don't know how that is gonna help us, we'd be depriving ourselves of natural fibres.'
'Argh, why the hell did we come here in the first place, I knew the Highlands would be a bad idea.'
'We came here to survive in the wilderness man, as like paying homage to our cavemen days, being primative.'
'Well that was the dream, now its turned into the dream that you want to wake up from.'
'NO, we can't give up just yet, we just need to find a shelter to see us through tonight.'
'We're not Bear Grylls, where do you suggest we find a shelter?'
'We have to keep on the lookout.'
'Well I don't see a Travel Inn building around here, do you?'
'Stop being playful, I know you love this situation, lost and on the brink of death. You get some sort of perverse enjoyment from it.'
'Hahaha, we could die tonight and I don't even care, hahaha. Our lives will just be wrecked, gone, just coz we screwed up in the Highlands, hahaha.'
'You're fucking insane man, why the hell did I come on this trip, I knew you were a bloody madman. Oh shit, why did I come here and that's it, now I'm just gonna die.'
'Hahahaha, you're lost in the Highlands and you're actually putting your faith and trust in me to get us out of this, hahaha, ME... NIETZ LAWE. YOU putting your faith in Nietz Lawe, hahahahaha.'
'Stop being an idiot man. Just think clearly.'
'Come on, its not that bad, it could be worse.'
'How the fuck could it be worse?!?!'
'You're right it couldn't be worse, hahahaha. What makes it worse is that I tried to cook the food and screwed it all up, so we couldn't even eat it.'
'Your a bastard, keep away from me, you're fucking nuts, a real lunatic, I'm not hanging around with you if we survive this.'
'Just think of all the stuff that's going right in your life as well, you're getting married next month and even though I don't believe in marriage, I'm happy for you regardless, you've got plenty of money and friends and it could all disintegrate just because of me, a guy who has no success or anything, hahaha, I just see the funny side.'
'Oh yeah YOU would, you're a nutter. You don't even have any ties or anything to live for really.'
'Thanks for making my world feel so small man.'
'Well its true, you don't do anything from one day to the next, you sit around doing jack shit, scrounging off the dole, you could die here and nobody would give a shit, but me, I'm respected, I got friends, family and everything to live for.'
'Do you think I give a shit about your success? Living your little conditioned lifestyle, with your little faiths, morals and principles, do you think I give a shit about your marriage. In fact I want to save your arse, just so I can enjoy watching you go back to your miserable insufferable little life.'
'That's not fair man, what's wrong with doing well for myself? I work hard every day, my taxes are going towards your JobSeekers Allowance.'
'Ok then, instead of me signing on the dole every fortnight, how about you just give me £91 out of your wage, its just the same, it just saves me a trip down to the dole office.'
'What the fuck, you're weird man. You don't live in the real world, you leech off of society, but instead of sucking blood, you're sucking the money out of honest hard working citizens such as myself.'
'Its not my fault there's a JobSeekers Allowance, if you got a problem, go and ask the Government to sort it out.'
'The whole system is fucked up, I'm just pissed off, not only because you take my money, but now you're gonna get me killed.'
'Look at you man, you're meant to be this happy, hard working family man and yet you're stood here cursing, full of anger and hatred, and I'm the patient man looking for a sensible escape route out of here.'
'Patient my arse, you were just laughing a minute ago, you don't care if we die.'
'I don't care if I die, but I care if you die, you just don't know it, because I don't show it. But its cool, you can be disrespectful and nasty to me as long as you want and I'll still save your arse from dying. Why you ask? Well because in THIS world, and I'm not talking about back home where there's houses, comfort and you get your arse wiped for you. I'm talking about here, in these mountains, this fog, these torturous weather conditions, this terrain, where a man like me was built to survive in and a man like you was born to perish in. What you are here, is what I am back in the real world, a nobody.'
'You don't seem to be showing any signs of surviving, you're a loser here like you are back home.'
'Ok, just you go on and on insulting me, but I'm still gonna save your life just to see you get married to that dog wife of yours.'
'LEAVE MY WIFE OUT OF THIS YOU BASTARD!!!'
'I bet if you die here, she would just move on, marry someone else. Really makes a mockery out of the concept of marriage don't it?'
'No, Beth loves me, I know she does.'
'No, you KNOW what she tells you. People are capable of saying one thing, and keeping the truth concealed in their head.'
'You don't know anything.'
'1+1 = 2, I knew that. There I know something.'
'You're childish man. Very very childish.'
'No, you're just very vague in your language, you said I didn't know anything, and a man of your so-called intelligence wouldn't say something as stupid as that.'
'You're childish. You're stupid and you're childish.'
'Ok, go ahead press ahead with your claims, don't listen to what I'm saying.'
'Hey I screwed Beth last week.'
'You're childish and a fucking compulsive liar.'
'Beth was good in bed, but she said you were rubbish.'
'Childish little fucker, you're a retard and I don't even wanna be your friend if we get back.'
'She said you don't go down on her.'
'I'm gonna disown you... prick.'
'What you talking about you idiot, disown me? You're not my Father. Damn man, you're Mr Normal arent you? Always tryna be righteous and goody too shoes all the time, you need to live a little, open up more, be a bit more daring and rebellious.'
'I don't wanna be like you, a loser... no job, no girl, no money, nothing. You are better off dying out here.'
'You think coz I've none of those things, it makes me a fool?'
'We're stood here arguing about jack shit in this blizzard, that's foolish to me.'
'Let's get going then, its gonna be completely dark soon, we don't want to die now do we.'
'Well you do.'
'Ok then I want to die, I'm the walking deadman, what are you?'
'I'm just the normal guy who wants to get back home to his wife.'
'Too normal... you're too normal.'
*And so... they walked and walked and eventually they found a shelter and made camp. That was until the avalanche came down and buried them both alive*
Will they make it out alive? Find out next week!!!
"I just told you narrator, they get buried alive, so next week's episode is pointless... unless you want to hire some coroner bags.*
"Will they get to use coroner bags? Find out next week!!!
*LISTEN YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!! There is not going to be a next week's episode... They are dead, and besides we don't have a slot for our show to be on air. Also, the world is going to end next week, there is going to a huge disaster which wipes out humanity and nobody will be making television programs anymore."
*Will the world end? Find out next week!!!
"I think it will be the last thing people find out before they die Mr Narrator."
THE END... OR IS IT?!?!?! UMM... YEAH IT KINDA IS.